TGI hate Fridays

You see, nine weeks ago my father died. He passed away on Friday 20th July 2018 after a 7 month battle with brain cancer, at least those were the months we all knew he had brain cancer.

I find myself sharing with people as if it is almost matter of fact. I hear myself say, “my dad passed away.”

Then it is almost as if the oxygen is taken out of my lungs. I feel an internal gasp. Is this real? Did I just say that? Did that really happen? Did my dad actually die of this horrible disease? Will I never see my dad again this side of heaven? Will I actually never hear his voice except on videos? Will I never feel my dads protective arms hugging me again?

As I type this the tears flow down my cheeks. The gasp that is internal when I am around others is coming out  of my lungs in loud exhalations, loud weeping, shaking of my head as if my heart is literally breaking all over again.

I realize it is has only been nine weeks. I know the grief and the loss is so fresh. However, I am unsure if that feeling will ever go away.  People say that time heals. That it gets easier. I do not know this yet. I am not there yet.

My friend quoted a book she is reading called, “Girl wash your face.” By Rachel Hollis. In the book she states, “When you lose a loved one it is soul shredding.” I am paraphrasing as I have not read this book.  But this is EXACTLY how it feels. It is as if your soul is literally shredding.

I have had some loss in my life. My grandmother passed away when I was 11. My aunt passed away when I was 21. I cried. I miss them.  My grandfather died before I was born. I have been told he was an amazing man and he would have loved me. I grieve the loss of that relationship.

But THIS….THIS loss is beyond anything I have ever experienced.

I have always tried to be compassionate toward those who have lost a loved one. I can even try to imagine what their loss may feel like. As an empath, it is important for me to distance myself a little bit from those feelings. I know from past experiences that I can dive deep into their grief and be “useless” and not just “be there” for them.

I can no longer distance myself from that feeling of grief because it is now home. The loss is so close to my heart that it literally feels “shredded.” This is my dad. My hero.

My deep sense of loss and pain may be because my dad was a great man. As I said in my eulogy at my dads memorial service, “He was a great man. He was a great husband, father, and an even better poppy (grandpa).”

If we had to experience a memorial service for my dad, this was the best one I have ever attended. Not because I wanted to attend a memorial service for my father, but because it was truly a reflection of the man he is/was. So many people have messaged me to say they want to be a better person because of my dads legacy of service to others. They desire to love and care for others, without any praise or anything in return. Like my dad.

As I went through photos for the slideshow for his service, I saw things I have never seen before. As his daughter, whether as a small child, pre-teen, teenager, or as an adult, I saw so many photos of his arms wrapped over my shoulders or around my neck. 

Perhaps this is why it hurts so bad? I have talked to friends who have lost a parent who they were not close to. They grieve, of course they grieve. Mostly they grieve the loss of what could have and should have been.

Perhaps as time goes on it will hurt less? Perhaps one day I will be so busy living that I do not even think of Fridays as being an anniversary of my dads death. But for now, TGI hate Fridays.

I would love for you to share this with someone who would benefit.